On Death

Daddy and Mamma married barefoot in the living room.
Mamma was beautiful, Daddy was stoned.

Daddy didn't know too much about making money
So he learned how to beat the casinos.
That worked for a while.

Then, when he became too much to bare,  (I was eight years old),  Mamma dreamed of another life.
She left Daddy.
Daddy begged me to move West with him.

When I close my eyes and remember my childhood -

I can hear the *bing bing bing* of the casino
I can smell the recirculated air.
I can feel the heavy bucket in my hand

Maybe my stomach turns - remembering those long drives cross-country in a UHAUL. Vegas, Back East, Reno, Back East. I used to get car sick.

Apartment living. Five schools by the Sixth grade. New friends. Dirty Dresses. I never could fit in.
My Best friend was the original Nintendo. By 7 years old, I had beat Super Mario Brothers forward and backwards. No one to play with.

Once, I invited all the neighborhood kids into the house and they stole all of Daddy's $2. bills. I told them where to find them. I was tired of being alone.
We just moved. again.

Then, Poverty.

When Daddy couldn't afford an apartment anymore, he lived in the casinos.
And, I lived with any kind hearted friends willing to take care of me.
Fortunately for me, I learned Korean. And, Russian.

As an adult, Daddy was mad.

He was Mad at Mamma. Mad at his parents. Mad that I went to a "Liberal" University. Mad I moved to Italy. Mad that I had a Baby. Mad that I wasn't Jewish. Mad that I didn't respect him, didn't need him, didn't love him. ENOUGH. Mad. No. Matter. What. I. Did.

He still didn't have a job. Didn't have anyone to love. Poor Health. Aggressive.
But, he put all of his money into beating the casinos. And now, the Stock Market.

He hit on all of my friends. Asked them to come to the casino with them.
He hired a 29 year old Russian prostitute, to be his girlfriend.

He pushed everyone in his life away. He claimed he found God, but I didn't believe him.

When my baby grew up, Daddy tried to control her, like he controlled me as a child. I did everything I could to protect her.

Daddy sued me.

He told the court that he had a right to spend as much time as he wanted with his blood grandchild.
They threw Daddy out of the courtroom.
I almost lost my house to Lawyers fees.

I haven't spoken to my Father in a year.
He spends all of his time telling everyone who will listen how much he is mad at me.

Someone told me the other day:

"You will be sorry when he dies."

______________________________________________


That might be true. From where I stand, I cannot tell you what I will feel when that day comes.
But, I tend to think I will feel relief.

I have been grieving the slow and inevitable death of my Father for years. I am bereft of a Father.

There is a gaping whole in my heart where there should be: a hug, and advice. Words of endearment. Wiping tears from my cheeks. Encouragement. Helping me move into my new house. Guidance. A dance at my wedding. Rocking my baby on his knee. ..  Loving me. A Father's love.

When he dies, his suffering will end.


I will never have the Father I have been longing for my entire life.
But God grant him peace and an end to his suffering.

Yes, at my Father's funeral I will rejoice.

And Then There Were Five

For as long as a pregnancy lasts, a Mother waits in anxious anticipation. Quietly (or not so quietly) counting the weeks, hours, minutes until that little baby is to arrive and meet the world for the very first time.


A lot has happened in our little family over the last year. God is really working out the identity of who we are, and who we are to be to fully tell His story.


On Good Friday (after a period of fasting, and repentance) on a hunch, I took a pregnancy test. We were shocked and in awe that it was positive. I spent the better part of the first trimester in disbelief, and now it is becoming real to me. In December, we will be a family of five. God providing, God willing.

Our lives are a story. The story begins the very moment we are conceived and God begins knitting us together perfectly in our Mother's womb. We draw breath, and then that story continues until our last breath. The bookends of our lives here on earth contain so much possibility - the is, the was, and the everything.

I am in awe that everything my little child is to become, he already is. I stand in wonder that his gender, his identity, his DNA, his features, gifts, abilities, talents, fears, and the arc of his entire life all are already defined. He will have choices... many... but who he was always meant to be, he is.

In the last 18 months, since God presented me with the greatest gift I was to ever receive - which was my calling - I have been stretching and growing in every capacity. It is not always easy, being a Mother, a Wife, an Employee, a Family Member, a Friend. Lately, my identity feels a bit mixed up. Who am I first? Who am I last? How am I to fit all those identities within the 24 hours of a day? But I am learning, that who I am first, is a Daughter. Who I am first, is who God created me to be, and that is in the likeness of Him. This is an arduous journey, and every step matters. It is survival, but it is so much more than that. 

Now, 11 months after the beginning of what I so affectionately coined "The Chaos Period" the dust has begun to settle. I am learning to love my Husband as a part of myself. Learning to lean on him as the head of our family, and allowing our unit to settle into our rightful places. We are all learning to be a part of something greater than us. It isn't always graceful. There are tears, and tempers, and resistance and grit as we figure out where we fit in, and in some cases, unlearn what we thought we were wired for.
I mess up. A lot. My expectations are high, and my energy levels are low, and that doesn't always give me the tools to be gracious, as we work vehemently to keep the day fitted around our too tight schedules, while we manage our children, their interactions, their relationships, and our own.

But we are here. By God's Grace. And I have to remind myself often that we are not just managing the logistics and operations of little lives, but we are raising human beings, who are also in God's image. Since the moment Phil and I became Phil and I, we knew that we wanted to try for a large family. We trusted God to lead us, and we have to remind ourselves daily to continue to trust in Him to lead us, and provide for us, and call us to actively unfold the story of who we are.

Running Forward

I figure if I am not having more babies this year, I might as well get fit. I want my body at optimal performance when it comes time to pushin' time.


One way I know to do that is to run.

So, I signed up for a bunch of races, in 2012.
Training season kicked off this week to commemorate my 33rd birthday.

There are 3 main goals:

1. Get fit
2. Have fun doing it (hence the far away races)
3. Finish the year with my first full marathon

Since my husband and I plan on having an eventual boatload of children. I figure this might be my last chance to complete a Marathon (at least while I am in my prime). I can't imagine when I will have MORE time over the next decade, and if God provides us with as many pregnancies as we hope, then well... running with an extra 25 lb. sack is no fun.

The race schedule is as follows:

03/17 - Washington DC - Half Marathon
05/02 - Philadelphia Broad Street Race - 10 miles
08/19 -Providence, RI - Half Marathon
09/02 -Virginia Beach - Half Marathon
09/16 - Philadelphia - Half Marathon
10/22 - NYC - 10k
11/18 - Philadelphia Marathon

I am making this public knowledge to hold myself accountable to this goal -  that and the small fortune it cost me should do the trick.

We're in for a fun year, friends.

The Bridge Between

Well friends, here we are again. We are approaching the completion of my 33rd year, and preparing to move into my 34th.To say this has been a full year would be a complete understatement.

Last year on my birthday: I was single, I had a single child, and I had a PLAN.
 
I'll never forget that this time last year, I sat in one of my favorite sushi restaurants and mapped out my goals in every single area of my life (finances, fitness, love, parenting, career, faith, friendships, family). They were S.M.A.R.T goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely). I dotted all of my i's and crossed all of my t's.

Friends, you should have seen the look on my face, as I carefully closed my journal and sat back in my seat, taking the time to savor the last piece of tuna complemented by the perfect glass of Sauvignon Blanc. I was reassured. I felt safe. I knew that my plan would be fiercely executed with gazelle-like intensity. I smiled, smugly, knowing this time next year I would be well positioned to live out my life in fulfilled bliss, financially secure with all the world as my oyster.

Well, funny thing about a plan... even the most intricately thought out plan, is one that God can see from afar. It amuses Him so and you might even hear Him laughing out loud as He puts his Hand in your life and shakes your whole world up.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't want another child, or a marriage. It was that I was in a place of complete acceptance as to what I was given. My heart was given a great capacity for love, and if the good Lord wasn't planning on giving me a Husband and more children, you could bet your bottom dollar I wasn't going to let it go to waste.

That brings me to here. The Lord has provided for me a wonderful, loving Husband, and another amazing and beautiful daughter.

I could have never in a million years imagined from where I was standing last year, that my life would look completely different in just 365 short, short days. I think Steve Jobs said it best in his commencement speech at Stanford. I am paraphrasing, but the sentiment is that it is impossible to connect the dots going forward. You just have to step out on guts and faith that they will connect, and only looking backwards can you clearly see the moments that forward you into exactly where you were supposed to be.


This was a catalyst year. A pivotal year. The year that bridges the 2 parts of my life; the Before and the After. If we are to believe Jung's archetype of the Hero, which is the very framework of almost every fiction book we ever read and modern American Cinema as we know it; than we are to believe that the second chapter doesn't begin until the hero comes into his defining moment. The one where he realizes exactly who is is, and what his purpose is to be.

So, my plan got all messed up. It is nothing more than entertainment now, as I read through the lines of the direction I thought I was going. Instead, God made it clear that He had different plans for me. He had spent years preparing my heart for it, and it would bring me everything I had ever hoped for, and much, much more. But, He also promised, it would not be easy.

Being married to a Widower brings it own unique set of challenges. Adopting and raising a young child that I didn't bring into this earth isn't anything I could ever foreseen. There have been adjustments, challenges, and adaptations in what I like to refer to as the "Chaos Period" - the coming together of 2 sets of families, houses, schedules, rules and temperaments.

But more than anything I stand in awe of God's Grace and Love. I am grateful beyond measure that He would bring together our two families and seal them in love. I am SO excited about the possibilities of what is to come for us as a whole family in this up and coming year and in the years to come. I stand faithfully on the foundation that we are building together, and look forward to the many years that the Lord will provide us, so that we may glorify Him in all ways through our love.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

the Grief Monster

I wish I had something spectacular to say today.

Maybe about Married life.
Maybe about my beautiful children.
Maybe about the weather (sun was out).

But, today, we've been consumed by the Grief Monster.

This coming Friday is 1st anniversary if the Late Wife's death.
And, it seems we are all responding emotionally.

It *is* sad.

But, we the living, must go on living.

Becoming

I's MARRIED now!

That is right. I am married. And, to the best man in this universe. 
No, I really mean it. 
He is simply the best man I have ever known in this lifetime. 


We had a beautiful wedding on 07.31.11. 
It was everything I had ever hoped for and probably much, much more. 
It was beautiful, and colorful, and the music was amazing. 

The blessed children were radiant.

and every single person I can think of that I love, whom loves me back, broke bread in that room. The wine and whiskey flowed, and the food was good, and it was such a special day. Every time I look back on that day for the rest of my life, I will remember how happy I was, and how beautiful I felt. 


I love this man. 

And now, comes the fun part. I get to be the Wife of this amazing man.
And while it is no small thing to restore love and family to a man who lost everything, I feel like my God is just laying down the path, and I am simply walking on it... 


I was called to this. I know that more than I know anything. 


I am now also the Mother of this amazing, beautiful little 2 year old girl. 
I had forgotten, how much fun they are. I had forgotten how much work they require! And most of all, I had forgotten how attached one could become to them, in such a short period of time. 


My heart bleeds sometimes, when I look into her big brown eyes. I simply cannot imagine saying goodbye to those big brown eyes. The eyes she inherited from her Birth Mother... from her real Mother. 

It is important to note that I am not trying to replace her Mother. But still, as painful as it may be for some, I will be the one she connects with as her Mother. Chances are, she won't remember her Mother, and she certainly won't have the privilege of knowing her. 

My Husband's Late Wife had the honor and privilege of being the vessel that carried this beautiful little girl into the world. I could never take that from her, and I would never want to. One of the most amazing things my Husband  ever said to me after his Late Wife had passed and he was faced with rearing this child alone .. he said " She always wanted a child. I am so happy I was able to give her that gift". And, a gift it was... For her, for him and now for me.  Now, I am will be the one gifted with the task of helping this child become her own woman. I will do everything I can to help honor her Late Mothers memory, but at the same time, I think it is important to qualify the real life relationship the child and I have now, and will continue to have over the years to come. My heart breaks for her when I think of her eventual mourning of her Mom. And my prayer is that I will be there to help her get through that, when it does. Thank God for that. 

She is not a child of my body, but she is mine just the same.


And so, I begin this journey. I have a feeling I will really become all I was ever meant to become, over the next season of my life. 

When the Cup Overfloweth

It's been a half-year since I posted last, and while nothing has changed about who I am, I'll admit I am reporting from the landscape of another universe. Far away, and only imagined in the  half-sleeps of my previous life.

I read back through my posts, and I am in awe of how exciting life is. Of how tragic it can be. And mostly, at the simple ignorance of not knowing what is next.

That is the beautiful thing about this life... you never know, what is right around the corner.

SO, here is the news!
My four fish feet have become eight. Just like that...
with Gods love and timing... we have doubled!

I don't know how else to say it except that I have somehow (by the Grace of God) fell into what I know will be lasting love. And with him, comes the precious gift of another daughter.

It's humbling. It's beautiful. And, yes, a bit scary at times.

It would be easy for me to say that it has changed the entire course of my life. But, I'd rather say it was the experience of me walking into exactly where I was supposed to be.

I have no idea how I got here. But, here I am.
And, I want to share this feeling that is on my heart:

Life is mostly mundane. Sometimes, unexpected. And, mostly, challenging.
We complain and we stretch, and we plan.

And sometimes, if we are paying attention, we get a glimpse of God Himself. He gives us a gift, and with it comes overwhelming happiness, and peace and fulfillment. It is unlike anything we could ever try to recreate in our simple human lives. It is a gift, and it comes with responsibility.

It's like my entire life has been preparing me for this precise moment. And, I am ready for it.

I have no idea what the next 32 years will bring.
But I promise to walk onto this path with nothing but an open heart.