On Death

Daddy and Mamma married barefoot in the living room.
Mamma was beautiful, Daddy was stoned.

Daddy didn't know too much about making money
So he learned how to beat the casinos.
That worked for a while.

Then, when he became too much to bare,  (I was eight years old),  Mamma dreamed of another life.
She left Daddy.
Daddy begged me to move West with him.

When I close my eyes and remember my childhood -

I can hear the *bing bing bing* of the casino
I can smell the recirculated air.
I can feel the heavy bucket in my hand

Maybe my stomach turns - remembering those long drives cross-country in a UHAUL. Vegas, Back East, Reno, Back East. I used to get car sick.

Apartment living. Five schools by the Sixth grade. New friends. Dirty Dresses. I never could fit in.
My Best friend was the original Nintendo. By 7 years old, I had beat Super Mario Brothers forward and backwards. No one to play with.

Once, I invited all the neighborhood kids into the house and they stole all of Daddy's $2. bills. I told them where to find them. I was tired of being alone.
We just moved. again.

Then, Poverty.

When Daddy couldn't afford an apartment anymore, he lived in the casinos.
And, I lived with any kind hearted friends willing to take care of me.
Fortunately for me, I learned Korean. And, Russian.

As an adult, Daddy was mad.

He was Mad at Mamma. Mad at his parents. Mad that I went to a "Liberal" University. Mad I moved to Italy. Mad that I had a Baby. Mad that I wasn't Jewish. Mad that I didn't respect him, didn't need him, didn't love him. ENOUGH. Mad. No. Matter. What. I. Did.

He still didn't have a job. Didn't have anyone to love. Poor Health. Aggressive.
But, he put all of his money into beating the casinos. And now, the Stock Market.

He hit on all of my friends. Asked them to come to the casino with them.
He hired a 29 year old Russian prostitute, to be his girlfriend.

He pushed everyone in his life away. He claimed he found God, but I didn't believe him.

When my baby grew up, Daddy tried to control her, like he controlled me as a child. I did everything I could to protect her.

Daddy sued me.

He told the court that he had a right to spend as much time as he wanted with his blood grandchild.
They threw Daddy out of the courtroom.
I almost lost my house to Lawyers fees.

I haven't spoken to my Father in a year.
He spends all of his time telling everyone who will listen how much he is mad at me.

Someone told me the other day:

"You will be sorry when he dies."

______________________________________________


That might be true. From where I stand, I cannot tell you what I will feel when that day comes.
But, I tend to think I will feel relief.

I have been grieving the slow and inevitable death of my Father for years. I am bereft of a Father.

There is a gaping whole in my heart where there should be: a hug, and advice. Words of endearment. Wiping tears from my cheeks. Encouragement. Helping me move into my new house. Guidance. A dance at my wedding. Rocking my baby on his knee. ..  Loving me. A Father's love.

When he dies, his suffering will end.


I will never have the Father I have been longing for my entire life.
But God grant him peace and an end to his suffering.

Yes, at my Father's funeral I will rejoice.

And Then There Were Five

For as long as a pregnancy lasts, a Mother waits in anxious anticipation. Quietly (or not so quietly) counting the weeks, hours, minutes until that little baby is to arrive and meet the world for the very first time.


A lot has happened in our little family over the last year. God is really working out the identity of who we are, and who we are to be to fully tell His story.


On Good Friday (after a period of fasting, and repentance) on a hunch, I took a pregnancy test. We were shocked and in awe that it was positive. I spent the better part of the first trimester in disbelief, and now it is becoming real to me. In December, we will be a family of five. God providing, God willing.

Our lives are a story. The story begins the very moment we are conceived and God begins knitting us together perfectly in our Mother's womb. We draw breath, and then that story continues until our last breath. The bookends of our lives here on earth contain so much possibility - the is, the was, and the everything.

I am in awe that everything my little child is to become, he already is. I stand in wonder that his gender, his identity, his DNA, his features, gifts, abilities, talents, fears, and the arc of his entire life all are already defined. He will have choices... many... but who he was always meant to be, he is.

In the last 18 months, since God presented me with the greatest gift I was to ever receive - which was my calling - I have been stretching and growing in every capacity. It is not always easy, being a Mother, a Wife, an Employee, a Family Member, a Friend. Lately, my identity feels a bit mixed up. Who am I first? Who am I last? How am I to fit all those identities within the 24 hours of a day? But I am learning, that who I am first, is a Daughter. Who I am first, is who God created me to be, and that is in the likeness of Him. This is an arduous journey, and every step matters. It is survival, but it is so much more than that. 

Now, 11 months after the beginning of what I so affectionately coined "The Chaos Period" the dust has begun to settle. I am learning to love my Husband as a part of myself. Learning to lean on him as the head of our family, and allowing our unit to settle into our rightful places. We are all learning to be a part of something greater than us. It isn't always graceful. There are tears, and tempers, and resistance and grit as we figure out where we fit in, and in some cases, unlearn what we thought we were wired for.
I mess up. A lot. My expectations are high, and my energy levels are low, and that doesn't always give me the tools to be gracious, as we work vehemently to keep the day fitted around our too tight schedules, while we manage our children, their interactions, their relationships, and our own.

But we are here. By God's Grace. And I have to remind myself often that we are not just managing the logistics and operations of little lives, but we are raising human beings, who are also in God's image. Since the moment Phil and I became Phil and I, we knew that we wanted to try for a large family. We trusted God to lead us, and we have to remind ourselves daily to continue to trust in Him to lead us, and provide for us, and call us to actively unfold the story of who we are.