And Then There Were Five

For as long as a pregnancy lasts, a Mother waits in anxious anticipation. Quietly (or not so quietly) counting the weeks, hours, minutes until that little baby is to arrive and meet the world for the very first time.


A lot has happened in our little family over the last year. God is really working out the identity of who we are, and who we are to be to fully tell His story.


On Good Friday (after a period of fasting, and repentance) on a hunch, I took a pregnancy test. We were shocked and in awe that it was positive. I spent the better part of the first trimester in disbelief, and now it is becoming real to me. In December, we will be a family of five. God providing, God willing.

Our lives are a story. The story begins the very moment we are conceived and God begins knitting us together perfectly in our Mother's womb. We draw breath, and then that story continues until our last breath. The bookends of our lives here on earth contain so much possibility - the is, the was, and the everything.

I am in awe that everything my little child is to become, he already is. I stand in wonder that his gender, his identity, his DNA, his features, gifts, abilities, talents, fears, and the arc of his entire life all are already defined. He will have choices... many... but who he was always meant to be, he is.

In the last 18 months, since God presented me with the greatest gift I was to ever receive - which was my calling - I have been stretching and growing in every capacity. It is not always easy, being a Mother, a Wife, an Employee, a Family Member, a Friend. Lately, my identity feels a bit mixed up. Who am I first? Who am I last? How am I to fit all those identities within the 24 hours of a day? But I am learning, that who I am first, is a Daughter. Who I am first, is who God created me to be, and that is in the likeness of Him. This is an arduous journey, and every step matters. It is survival, but it is so much more than that. 

Now, 11 months after the beginning of what I so affectionately coined "The Chaos Period" the dust has begun to settle. I am learning to love my Husband as a part of myself. Learning to lean on him as the head of our family, and allowing our unit to settle into our rightful places. We are all learning to be a part of something greater than us. It isn't always graceful. There are tears, and tempers, and resistance and grit as we figure out where we fit in, and in some cases, unlearn what we thought we were wired for.
I mess up. A lot. My expectations are high, and my energy levels are low, and that doesn't always give me the tools to be gracious, as we work vehemently to keep the day fitted around our too tight schedules, while we manage our children, their interactions, their relationships, and our own.

But we are here. By God's Grace. And I have to remind myself often that we are not just managing the logistics and operations of little lives, but we are raising human beings, who are also in God's image. Since the moment Phil and I became Phil and I, we knew that we wanted to try for a large family. We trusted God to lead us, and we have to remind ourselves daily to continue to trust in Him to lead us, and provide for us, and call us to actively unfold the story of who we are.

Becoming

I's MARRIED now!

That is right. I am married. And, to the best man in this universe. 
No, I really mean it. 
He is simply the best man I have ever known in this lifetime. 


We had a beautiful wedding on 07.31.11. 
It was everything I had ever hoped for and probably much, much more. 
It was beautiful, and colorful, and the music was amazing. 

The blessed children were radiant.

and every single person I can think of that I love, whom loves me back, broke bread in that room. The wine and whiskey flowed, and the food was good, and it was such a special day. Every time I look back on that day for the rest of my life, I will remember how happy I was, and how beautiful I felt. 


I love this man. 

And now, comes the fun part. I get to be the Wife of this amazing man.
And while it is no small thing to restore love and family to a man who lost everything, I feel like my God is just laying down the path, and I am simply walking on it... 


I was called to this. I know that more than I know anything. 


I am now also the Mother of this amazing, beautiful little 2 year old girl. 
I had forgotten, how much fun they are. I had forgotten how much work they require! And most of all, I had forgotten how attached one could become to them, in such a short period of time. 


My heart bleeds sometimes, when I look into her big brown eyes. I simply cannot imagine saying goodbye to those big brown eyes. The eyes she inherited from her Birth Mother... from her real Mother. 

It is important to note that I am not trying to replace her Mother. But still, as painful as it may be for some, I will be the one she connects with as her Mother. Chances are, she won't remember her Mother, and she certainly won't have the privilege of knowing her. 

My Husband's Late Wife had the honor and privilege of being the vessel that carried this beautiful little girl into the world. I could never take that from her, and I would never want to. One of the most amazing things my Husband  ever said to me after his Late Wife had passed and he was faced with rearing this child alone .. he said " She always wanted a child. I am so happy I was able to give her that gift". And, a gift it was... For her, for him and now for me.  Now, I am will be the one gifted with the task of helping this child become her own woman. I will do everything I can to help honor her Late Mothers memory, but at the same time, I think it is important to qualify the real life relationship the child and I have now, and will continue to have over the years to come. My heart breaks for her when I think of her eventual mourning of her Mom. And my prayer is that I will be there to help her get through that, when it does. Thank God for that. 

She is not a child of my body, but she is mine just the same.


And so, I begin this journey. I have a feeling I will really become all I was ever meant to become, over the next season of my life.