Scorpio Moon

"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured.  I realised somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in my shackled, bloody, helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn't sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it's all you've got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life."

--Gregory David Roberts - Shantaram

Well hello there. And, happy Halloween to you all. Whatever that means.

The history of "All Hallows Even (Evening)" which proceeds the "All Hallows Day", is an ancient Roman tradition which is said to have originated in the feast of Pomona. This day is one in which our ancient ancestors were said to have invited into their homes the spirits of their dead. This was a cathartic act, done for the living, to reconnect with their history, and to complete themselves with their past. As a nasty by-product, other (much more evil counter-part) spirits would/could arrive, causing a terrible potential suffering. The wearing of a costume, could potentially "trick" the dead into passivity (no human souls here), thus not causing harm or on-going wicked-ry. ( I wonder, did my Justin Beiber costume, stifle any evil spirits?)

This weekend, though, I dug deep.

In the true spirit of inviting in the ghosts of my past for reconciliation, those damn dark reapers arrived, hand in bloody fucking hand.

My daughters Father and I have not been getting along.
I don't know how else to say it, except that he and I don't see eye-to-eye, on anything from financials, to schedules, to health insurance, to the classes she takes on the weekend, to the pants she is wearing home to what she should be for Halloween.
And, it's been slowly killing me.

This weekend, I had the privilege of connecting / re-connecting with a single parent friend over dinner. I was impressed, to say the least, at the fluidity in which her broken marriage transitioned into her and her ex's unified front. It was a model for all parents, who call it quits... and truly inspirational.

Although, I'll admit, I felt somewhat ashamed. Here we are... my Ex and I, 7 years out, and still fighting over these basic logistical things. It's heart-breaking, to say the least. And when my daughter has trouble sleeping at night, I'll open the page that is bookmaked "here" at her parents stupid-fucking inability to be harmonious.

I wish we could go to therapy. But, that happens to be another thing we disagree on. I wish I had it in me to just stifle my inner voice, and make it work for him, at all costs for the better good of the group. But, then, hey, I'd still be married, wouldn't I?

At the end of the day, what I want is for us to be able to put our amazing child first. For her to see us, her parents, who happen to not be in a committed-marital relationship, and for her to still be "lit from the inside" from these two people, who love her deeply, and are capable of modeling for her what happiness, and personal and spiritual success look like.

Will we get there? I can only hope and pray to God. Can I bring myself to: be kind in the face of adversity; bite my tongue; appreciate that this person despite our differences and realize that he and I are linked FOR LIFE; Embody Grace?

I sure as hell hope so.

As my friend shared with me this weekend... "Parenting is stewardship". You get the child that you get, and are meant to have. Whomever they happen to be, your job is to raise them, and not fuck it up. And, I guess the same holds true on the back end. As a child, your parent is yours. Whomever they are, you can only hope and trust in their process, that they will provide the best life possible, within the limits of their means.

I certainly do not have control over many things on this earth. Things have happened between Sofia's Father and I, which have ultimately brought us to this ugly truth. But, I do know this:

I can control how I choose to live and represent this very moment.
I can choose to be bound and enslaved by that past, or I can be free to live in the universe of possibilities that right now offers.

The moon is in Scorpio, my friends.
This time is often pivotal for me.
And especially this year, closing the circle on a year of just terrible things... It's time to dig deep, and just be fearless about what we find.