The Love Triangle

Last night I received an unwelcome email. In a moment of pain and desperation, the sender blindly reached out to me for (hopefully) some concrete answers as an objective outsider in their rather tumultuous relationship. The email was relatively brief, but chock full of dirty little secrets. There was no disclaimer. There was no gentle approach, and certainly no soothing invitation for me to come in. With one click of my little finger, I was force fed an entire meal of discontent.  I was quickly stripped of the freedom to choose whether or not to be involved in this dark little web of lies. I couldn't have stopped it if I tried.

Reading the note was a mixed bag. I felt confusion, no longer sure what to believe, as appearances collapsed into lies. I felt guilt for now being privy to all of these awful things, without anyone else's knowledge or invitation. I felt angry that the writer of this email would be so selfish in unloading these intimate details onto a stranger like me, who happened to be closely connected to the targeted parties of the email. But mostly, I felt empathy. I connected instantly to her confusion and frustration. In an ugly, but painfully raw delivery of the truth, one couldn't help but acknowledge the dark and cold place that she was reaching out from.  It was just a brief moment that the familiar feeling came over me, and the passing nod of recognition turned my spine cold.

Looking back on the archives of my own love history, I know now that I was lucky. The men that I shared my life with were generally good people. Sure, there were differences (many). And yes, I am confident in all cases, that the eventual parting of ways was the right thing to do. But, to my knowledge, no one ever vindictively set out to hurt me, or set me up.  If anything, we loved too deeply, mostly quickly, and had an intense inability to let go, when it was clear that things were not lining up. The end result of that kind of equation is that many good years passed, and passed, and passed. We had fun, and we learned a lot, a lot, a lot. But, also a great deal was lost in the dwindling investment of time, and feelings, as these sort of love-relationships would never produce any fruit.

And I don't mean this kind of fruit.

It's clear to me now, that choosing a life parter is both equally more and less simple than we make it out to be. On the one hand, the search is an  intense overkill. I mean, all we really need is a good person, who can hold a decent conversation, make us laugh once upon a while, and who will tolerate our idiosyncrasies, and sometimes poor behavior. Possibly, someone who shares similar values, and dreams as us, and who is willing to invest the time and where-with-all to go the distance. Believe it or not, there are PLENTY of people in this world who want to both give and receive that. So, partner up, people!

I am reminded of my homecoming to the United States, after living in Italy for several years. A leisurely stroll down the cereal aisle left me spinning into sensory overload. There were so many choices, and so many different categories, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. Essential Minerals, check. Fiber, check. Low sugar, check. No unnecessary additives, check. What should have been a simple check list left me frozen in a 45 minutes stalemate of indecisiveness. Analysis Paralysis.

On the other hand, I know it is really not that simple. Not, in modern, western culture anyway, where we are always constantly craving MORE. We, as a general people, are mostly sadly unfulfilled in our daily lives. We are relying on the next thing to happen to us, and in our lives, to lock in that forever happiness that will lead us to feeling elated and connected as humans. And when we can't find it, we just fill it up with more stuff.  We create this search for that other person who will complete us, like the 2 halves of an enlightened whole. And, in that search, we determine ourselves, to never, ever settle for anything less than completion. And then maybe we do anyway. And, we spend the rest of our miserable, married years, questioning whether or not this is was the right choice, the right person, the right life.

Last nights email was certainly a fresh jolt out of the dreamy wedded bliss set-up, that we convince ourselves only the "real thing" can look and feel like.

We want to have so that we can be. And I know that innate feeling is a complicated puzzle that we set out on solving from the earliest moments of our existence. Loving other humans is so natural, and so complex and it is a long and sometimes convoluted journey to monogamous, and fulfilling partnership, if we ever get there at all.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I am still on my own personal journey as well. I have had failed relationships, and many losses. I have been on both sides of the love cloud. I have love and lost, and fought and forgiven, and I sit here today, a single 31 year old mother of one, albeit, very, very fulfilled by my life as it is right now.

However, I know this: we are responsible for the quality of our own lives. Moment to moment, micro-second to micro-second, in every moment, the way that we are being will determine the outcome of what we have. Be and then have. And maybe, just maybe the very resolve that has brought me to that truth, will help me let go of any expectations that I have in a life partner, and what that may or may not look like in my life, when that time comes.

I can only hope, that when they do come around, whole person to whole person, that I am humble and grateful, and that I recognize them for all who they are and all who they aren't. And, that we love each other anyway.